Dying Empire - Baseball Edition

Oh baby, back in just under a calendar year!  This must mean one of three things:

1.      TOB has been fired from or quit his job: Nope, though the chopping block is never far away

2.      TOB is involved in some sort of litigation requiring a stop work order:  TOB’s legal council has advised a “no comment” to this option

3.      TOB’s lady has finally left him:  Nailed it…though just for a few days…unless she finds a better option, in which case our only communication will be through Venmo requests of various amounts, all of which involve a comma

But I digress, we know why you’re here, wife jokes!  TOB hates to disappoint, but I’m not going to talk about how TOB’s lady recently referred to our small children as going through their “primitive years”, or how on a five day Mexico trip she explained to a 15 year practicing Pharmacist what it’s like to be a Pharmacist (TOB’s lady has been to a pharmacy, that is all we can tell made her qualified to have this debate).  And I’m not here to talk about her assertions that a meter is about a foot, maybe a little less.  No, that would all be in poor taste; plus, the kids and I hope she comes home at some point.

Old take that didn’t make it into the article last December, but is essentially evergreen:

Tom Brady makes a ton of money from Fox to be an analyst.  Through a year and a half, it seems to be going…okay.  However, is calling games once a week the most important thing he does for Fox?  TOB would argue that it is not.  He shows up to random mixers with advertisers, appears in promos for the latest cop show featuring either a Wahlburg or Anthony Anderson (likely based in Boston or Philadelphia), and in general is a free plug for Fox anytime he is spotted in the tabloids.  He may as well have an endorsement deal, and calling games is just a perk of the job.  Hell, he does more for Fox than Kahwi did for that tree company.

As far as TOB can tell, the only person making too much money these days is my 401k guy.  Apparently, these companies have some sort of scheme set up similar to the Office Space “pennies for everybody” where they take just little enough that I won’t complain, but enough that they have to call me once a quarter to “check in”.  An actual (and slightly exaggerated) conversation TOB had around the time this was originally going to print (December 2024):

TOB’s 401k guy: Hey, this is a great time to fill up your kid’s 529s and your term life / money market / etc. accounts.

TOB: Really?  It seems pretty volatile right now, shouldn’t we let things settle over the next 2 months and see what’s going to happen with the new regime coming in? 

TOB’s 401k guy: This is the best time to push; all of that is already baked in, you HAVE to put more in to really capture all of the good uncertainty.

TOB:  Can we facetime right now so I can make sure this isn’t Matthew McConaughey from “The Wolf of Wallstreet?”

Our call was disconnected for some reason, and I gave him all my money. 

Boy oh boy, the St. Louis Cardinals are in some trouble.  Bill Dewitt finally said the message has been received.  Unfortunately, he is about a year late.  This season the Cardinals attendance was 2.25M, the lowest in a non-strike or COVID shortened season since TOB was born (1984).  Even the first full year after the strike (1996), the fans of St. Louis came through with 2.6M.   That’s when people HATED baseball players and owners.  It took steroids, a red head, a now white Dominican, and possibly Cal Ripken to get the rest of the league to get back on track.  Who knew the homerun, which brought bans back to the game, would ultimately drive them away when that is all players tried to do (well, or walk or strikeout).  Turns out it is fun to watch one or two guys per team do that, not all nine.  Feels like a tangent…back to the important stuff, why the Cardinals suck and may be doomed for a decade. 

Cal Raleigh had an incredible season, breaking the record for homeruns by a catcher (by a lot), by a Mariner (Ken Griffey Jr, ever heard of him), and a switch hitter (Mickey Mantle anyone).  This should be exciting for all fans of baseball, except St. Louisans.  The Big Dumper hit 22 homeruns right handed, and 38 left handed.  He would have led the Cardinals in homeruns by a right handed hitter AND left handed hitter.  If the Bird’s highest HR total righty and lefty were to combine into one player, he would have hit 38 homeruns; T8 in MLB.  But hey, homeruns aren’t everything, at least STL’s highest OPS was 43rd among qualifying players. 

Last year TOB wrote that things are bad and will likely get worse (for the Cardinals…everything else seems to be going fine…).  They have, and there does not appear to be an ending in site.  This year was a “youth movement”.   A dumb ass campaign about the “Youngry Birds” was thrown at us.   Victor Scott II, Maysn Winn, Alec Burleson, Jordan Walker (?).  Scott was meh, Winn got hurt, Burleson was inconsistent, Walker is apparently lazy.  They may not have a pitcher after Sonny Gray that can go 5 innings.  That’s a shakier foundation than TOB’s marriage. 

Arenado has to go.  Not that he was any worse than the rest of the team, but he is an anchor on this team.  Eat 60% of his salary to get him away and force someone else to sink or swim (Gorman has sunk, TOB is not proposing he start at 3rd).  Contreras may need to get moved as well.  He was signed to be a steadying presence behind the plate, carry the torch for Molina.  He’s now our DH / First Baseman hitting .260 playing 115 games per season. 

Sign a few bats, develop some pitching, and eat some sunk cost salary so we don’t have to see 35+ year old players on the decline. 

Silver lining – Miles Mikolas tossed a ball to the 4 year old child of a friend of TOB.  He may not be very good at baseball anymore, but good on ya Miles. 

TOB intended to talk College Football in this edition, however an unfortunate exchange occurred just yesterday:

TOB’s personal rival and legal council: “Trinidad for Heisman?”

After a long delay where TOB was trying to think of what the hell that means: “I’m so out of it this year, I will watch a lot this weekend, just been watching Ole Miss and ND this year.”

Trinidad plays for Ole Miss, one of the teams TOB claims to have a handle on…perhaps TOB should wait until he “watches a lot this weekend” before any fake analysis is made.  That will come next week…or next year, stay tuned!

Bonus topic that didn’t make it into last year’s article:  The Domino’s “Emergency Pizza” is just a reboot of the old school Spaghetti-O’s commercial where dinner was ruined, and “Uh Oh, Spaghetti-O’s!”  At least they are both shitty American / Italian foods. 

Tasty Teasers for next week (or next year):

·         Dabo to Bama (or Miami)

·         Don’t put ND in the playoff (even though they will deserve it)

·         Franklin gonna Franklin

·         So, it’s official, no one is good?

-TOB