BOWL SEASON 2017
Another year in the books, more terrible picks by TOB. Not to worry loyal followers (both of you), we will follow last year’s protocol and pick the remaining bowl games, weight them unfairly, and get back to neutral in no time (or lose our house). TOB is aware this article is a little late, there has been a move in the TOB household, hopefully the last one for a while. Plus, did anyone watch those first few bowl games? Can anyone really distinguish them from the DII Playoff games? I rest my case.
Sponsorships are back! This week’s bowl article is brought to you by a new holiday movie just released on Netflix, sure to set the bar for this new niche genre. “Jewmanji” is an adventure even non-yamaca wearing folk will enjoy. Unlike the lame reboot of “Jumanji”, this penny pinching tale follows a cranky yet passive aggressive tax accountant through a trying time (a New York Mets full season). You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll learn some new tax codes. In theatres now!
Given the time of the year, Tonyonball would be remiss not to air his Festivus grievances:
· We are all aware that Christmas music starts right after Thanksgiving for most people, earlier for some. Everyone knows this, may or may not like it, but that’s just how it is now. TOB doesn’t understand all the hate for this situation. When would a person hear music that was not of their choosing these days? In the car or at home, most people use Spotify, Pandora, or some other streaming service. Maybe when a person is out and about shopping (Christmas shopping perhaps) they will have their ears festively assaulted. Is that really worse than what stores play the rest of the year? That is a rhetorical question. Deal with Michael Buble in lieu of Sarah McLaughlin for one or two months and keep it down scrooges.
· TOB watched the Mizzou/Illinois Braggin Rights game last night, and what a treat that was. Two teams that have seemingly never played basketball, or any sport for that matter, met to determine who the most embarrassing team in the region will be this year. TOB has never seen so many bricked three point shots (Mizzou finished 5/25, which Cheech pointed out is about 17%, proving he is as good at math as he is at writing), errant passes, and “up and downs.” It appeared that these teams were composed of 20 guys who were able to fit in a basketball jersey. If somehow one of those two teams ends the year with 20 wins and is on the bubble to make the tournament, the committee needs only watch about 5 minutes of that game to determine that they do not belong. This is also why TOB stays away from college basketball until March. Let the crappy teams weed themselves out before any attention is given.
· Moving is the worst, we all know this. TOB just feels the need to point out (again) that the reason this article is a week late is because TOB has finally fled to the suburbs. Goodbye Soulard, you were great to me for 5.5 years, hello Crestwood where I have yet to year a gunshot in the middle of the night.
Before we get to the picks, TOB would like to apologize for all of the jokes we made at the state of Louisiana’s expense last year. It wasn’t fair to assume they don’t actually know what constitutes technology. The good news is, they likely cannot read so unless this article as dictated to them, they won’t be offended. Seems like a victimless crime to me, apology redacted.
Alright, now to the picks! Robert the Cheech’s Final Record: 30-23-2. Good run Bobby.
***I figure since we're all picking the same games, no need for me to post the spreads w/ my picks*** (way to put the effort in there Robby, that’s how you become the second feature writer on a shitty sports blog)
Akron over FL Atlantic - Because the Zips are a cooler name, not really sure what FAU is, Panthers? Plus, you know I gotta go with the MAC! #MACtion
SMU over LA Tech - Ummm, I think my default picks are going to be for the favorite because I feel like people expect bowl teams to be relatively evenly matched and the spreads are too tight. Also, a lot of times only one team wants to be there, which is usually the underdog, throwing my entire philosophy out the window. But, I think the Mustangs were maybe ranked earlier this year, so there's that.
Florida International over Temple - Maybe they're the Panthers?
Ohio over UAB - Again, favorite and #MACtion
Central Michigan over Wyoming - A pick 'em game. How many #MACtion teams made bowl games this year? 9, wow! I dare you to look this up and prove me wrong.
South Florida over TX Tech - Are they the Panthers? Did more FL teams or #MACtion teams make bowl games this season? This post is definitely posing more questions than answers.
Army over San Diego State - I really wanted to go w/ the favorite Aztecs here, especially after their 10-2 seaon, but Army went 9-3 and won the Commander in Chief trophy. Plus, this is the Armed Forces Bowl, so there's going to be some home cookin' happening for sure.
Toledo over App State - #MACtion
Houston over Fresno State - Regular readers of this column know why I gotta go w/ the Cougars.
Utah over West Virginia - Favorite
Northern Illinois over Duke - #MACtion
K-State over UCLA - Fun fact, this is the 2nd time in 3 years that K-State has played in the Cactus Bowl. Last time, they beat Oregon State by 32 points! Probably.
Sothern Miss over Florida State - So. Miss is a big underdog here, but we all know FSU is booty and I like the Golden Eagles to do their best to get a statement win against a "big time" team.
BC over Iowa - Eagle over Hawkeyes
Mizzou over Texas - Can the Tigers utilize the momentum they built in the second half to finish the season strong? Probably not but what the hell.
'Zona over Purdue - This one's played at Levi's Stadium in Santa Clara, and everyone know's the Boilermakers don't travel well beyond the Rockies. Everyone.
Navy over Virginia - lot of bowl games this year...
OK State over VA Tech - Remember when the Cowboys had a shot of going to the Playoff?
Stanford over TCU - This is where a little known fact comes in real handy. Standford is on the Trimester schedule. So while all these other teams where taking finals during their bowl preparations, Stanford players were actually just in the early part of their class schedules, plus they still get a normal 4 week break for the holidays. This is a real advantage.
Washington State over Michigan State - idk
Wake Forest over Texas A&M - because A&M fired their coach
NC State over AZ State - because they were on ND's schedule
Kentucky over Northwestern - In the battle of the Wildcats, I think the purple ones are overrated.
Utah State over New Mexico State - wut?
OSU over USC - I think the Buckeyes will look to prove the CFB Playoff committee wrong
Mississippi State over Louisville - I'm a non-believer in the Cardinals
Memphis over Iowa State - The Cyclones beat 2 top 4 teams and still finished 7-5...womp womp
Penn State over Washington - Not sure why, but I actually am intrigued by this and might watch it.
Wisconsin over Miami - totally
Michigan over South Carolina - Harbaugh needs this, not to save his job, but to get some sort of momentum.
Auburn over Central Florida - panthers???
ND over LSU - All depends on which ND team shows up. An energized and motivated group should handle the Bayou Bengals.
Georgia over Oklahoma - That SEC Championship game has me convinced
Clemson over Bama - I acutally think Nick Saban simply won't allow his team to loose this, but want Clemson to win so I'm going w/ them.
Bonus pick - Dawgs over Tigers to win the CFB Playoff
TOB is not picking bowl games this year, instead after an abysmal year of picks, TOB has brought in a special mystery guest, Cheech’s buddy Aaron. Aaron met up with TOB and Cheech while at the Michigan/Minnesota tailgate, seems like a solid guy, might be a total creep, who knows really. Anyway, in an effort to gain more readers, TOB has decided to add more writers. It is entirely possible TOB.com now has more writers than readers, which makes it extra embarrassing that we produce so little content. That said, here are Aaron’s picks with some deep, deep analysis:
Winners:
Akron-Because of LeBron James.
Louisiana Tech-Less churchy option
Temple-Bill Cosby
UAB-Anyone who’s not Ohio
Central Michigan-Because I have MAC caliber soccer game
Texas Tech- Because of a tecnicality
San Diego State- Because of fish tacos
Appalachian State- Because if they can beat Michigan, they can beat anybody
Fresno State-Because fire vs. flood, and it’s a blue state
West Virginia-Because of moon shine
Northern Illinois- Because the MAC ain’t wack
UCLA-Because they’re on fire, literally
Florida State-Because that’s where Dane went
Iowa-Because it’s where Jon did his residency, and Big Ten
Texas- Because Robert likes Missouri
Arizona-Because Pur-don’t
Navy- Because Down Periscope
Virginia Tech-Because Laura likes their colors better
Stanford-Because many books are better than one book
Michigan State- Duh
Wake Forest- To see if trees make noise when they fall
Arizona State-Because they like to party
Northwestern-Seems like the smart choice
New Mexico State-Because it’s like Mexico,but newer
USC-See earlier comment about Ohio
Louisville-Because Ben went there and fried chicken
Memphis-because of bbq
Washington-less pedophile-y
Wisconsin-Because I was born in Madison
Michigan-Because ‘Baugh so hard’
Auburn-Because they’re the anti-Alabama
LSU-Because Robert likes ND
Georgia-Because I know people down there
Alabama-not because I want them to win, but because I think it will happen
Enjoy the bowl games. Merry Christmas everybody, treasure the time you get to spend with loved ones, it goes fast. And remember, if you can’t think of anyone in your family that is a real pain in the ass to be around during the holidays, it’s you.
-Tonyonball
