Hello, hello and welcome to the not so live blog of dos-a-cero V. We would love to actually bring this to you live but budgetary issues at tonyonball.com mean that you’ll have to read this while you rewatch the DVR on Saturday morning....so….just me?
First off, I want to say how disappointed I am in the result of the presidential election. Not because I hate Trump (I do) but because his victory totally takes all the fun out of hating on Mexico. But I’ll do it anyway over the next 90 minutes.
Second, the new US warm up jackets are sweet. If anyone is thinking of getting Cheechonball a Christmas present, don’t get this, it’s too pretty for me.
Let’s get going!
1st minute: Kickoff, and away we go… go, go USA!
2nd minute: I’m playing a bit of catch up because happy hours went bit longer than expected, but I love the “Dos-a-cero!” chant. The crowd is rocking in Columbus. I really, really, really, should be there. Kind of hate myself right now for missing it, but at least you get to experience the game with me now. So you have that going for you, which is nice.
4th minute: Like I said, we’re playing catch up, but Pulisic is playing a #10 role?!!? I like it but I think it’s maybe a bit too much pressure on the kid. He’s excelled at being a creative winger, but I’m not so sure about putting him in a new, higher responsibility position against Mexico in a WC qualifier.
7th minute: Thanks for the hot apple cider and rum, Christina. You’re welcome, readers.
8th minute: Chandler got the start over Yedlin, hmmm. I like it, just a bit surprising.
10th minute: Wow wow wee wow. Howard with an amazing save off the post. We got lucky there. Altidore does well and draws a yellow card against those cheating Mexicans.
11th minute: Bradley and Pulisic connecting well. Kid is our best player.
13th minute: I foresee a substitution in the second half: Green will come on for Besler and Johnson will move to attacking left back.
15th minute: Brooks with a senseless yellow card
16th minute: I appreciate the crowd’s enthusiasm, but we need so more creativity in our chants. “Hey ho, let’s go!” C’mon.
18th minute: Did I tell you guys that I have about 6 drinks under my belt to start the game? Whoop. Also, nice turn by Pulisic, could have done more once he got free… maybe a bit naïve or inexperienced there.
20th minute: Great cross by Johnson, Altidore gets on the end of it but could have generated more power on the header.
20th minute: Well, there goes dos-a-cero. Jeebus creebus, I feel like I’m watching Mug Club FC A bullshit 50/50 ball squirts free, Mexico picks it up and a deflected shot squirms into the corner. F’in A, man.
23rd minute: Altidore can’t convert an excellent Pulisic cross. He was marked closely, but dude, you’re huge, c’mon!
25th minute: Stewart Holden, one of our great “what ifs” beleives our tactics are all wrong. Can’t say I disagree. Mexico has just hit the post a second time. Could be 3-0. Or maybe 3-2, but the game is way too wide open. This is the kind of game that Mexico thrives in. Shit, this happens when we play the “ethnic” teams in my shitty indoor soccer league. You have to stay organized and disciplined. It’s like they’re born with some innate soccer style that gets you sucked in to playing forward and aggressive and before you know it you’re down 2-0 and don’t know what happened. “They” are not to be trusted.
27th minute: Klinsmann must be watching FS1 because he takes Holden’s advice and switche to a 4-4-2. Hopefully Pulisic can still find the ball and be as effective on the wing. That’s mostly up to the rest of the team instead of on him.
33rd minute: Team has looked more settled since the formation change. Chandler is quick and earns a free kick in a dangerous spot. Shit! Altidore’s header centers it, cleared off the line, Pulisic’s poor touch ruins the chance, Mexico goes down the field and earns their own free kick in a dangerous spot.
35th minute: OOOOOH Shit! Howard shanks a goal kick out of bounds and looks hurt. “I don’t want to speculate on an injury but”.
36th minute. I swear I typed that sentence before Stewart Holden quoted me word for word.
39th minute: Corona with a beautiful turn between Chandler and Bradley. Must be nice to have multiple players who can do that. Howard subbed out. Bummer, man.
41st minute: Pulisic is playing very central for a winger. Whatever gets him the ball more is cool with me.
42nd minute: First reaction is that’s not a foul on Brooks, much less a yellow card like those pussy ass Mexicans are trying to get the referee to give him. Cheaters.
44th minute. US blow a quality opportunity and fail to get a shot off. Chandler gets a yellow card on the resulting counter attack.
45th + minute: Jones somehow escapes a yellow card and Rudy is going nuts. I’m 1000% convinced that dogs sense tension, no matter how well you conceal it. (picture of Rudy laying on my legs, stressed the F out)
Halftime: Well, the consensus of the talking (red) heads is that the US sucks, is lucky to be down only 1-0, yada yada yada. They’re not necessarily wrong, we could definitely be down by more, but they’re ignoring all the chances we created. The ball was cleared off the Mexican goal line twice. The Mexican goal was a deflection. (I’m a total homer).
Still halftime: getting drunk
46th minute: GD! Does Pulisic create a dangerous opportunity every time he gets the ball?! Love the start to the half.
48th minute: Mexico’s trickery creates a dangerous chance that is thwarted by Brooks.
49th minute: GOOOOOAAAAALLLL!!!!!! Brooks with a clean outlet pass to Altidore. World class turn and run by Jozy, Wood does the rest and scores the equalizer. Excellent start and mentality by the US.
52nd minute: I have to pee
58th minute: Wood and somebody combine to force a corner. Bradley’s corner is headed straight to the keeper… outlet pass is intercepted and Bradley shoots instead of playing in an open Bobby Wood, shot is saved easily. Huge opportunity missed by the Yanks. Right back the other way and Herrera is a big giant cheater and dives in the box and rightfully gets a yellow card for diving. Cheater.
61st minute: Game is all over the place, Chicharito throwing dirty elbows. What a dick. Ref was right there and pussed out.
62nd minute: US has some tidy play but Johnson shoots high. Momentum on our side.
64th minute: Ref has to finally give a yellow card to Mexico. In replay, looks like it could have been worse.
66th minute: Omar, what was that?
67th minute: How do you say douche in Spanish?
68th minute: Besler is late to clear and picks up a card. Free kick in a dangerous spot. I’m expecting a dive in the box form Mexico.
70th minute: US with a quick counter after Mexico F’s up their free kick. Wood draws another card from the cheating Mexicans.
72nd minute: How many fouls can Jermain Jones take before the referee gives Mexico a card?
74th minute: Yedlin on for Chandler. Not sure what this really brings to the table other than fresh legs and a propensity to make mistakes. Altidore plays Wood the ball with his back to goal. What a turn and shot. These two really complement each other.
76th minute: Pulisic steals the ball and draws a card from (stereotypical Mexican name). Wasn’t so much of a soccer tackle as a swan dive at the feet of Pulisic. Ummm, I guess it’s not a red card, but WTF?
77th minute: Jozy forces a good save on the resulting free kick. He’s actually not bad at the dead ball situations.
78th minute: US wildness
79th minute: Mexican wildness, Fabian Johnson saves the day. Sweet ‘fro btw.
80th minute: My fingers are tired
81st minute: Orozco on for Besler, Jones will have to finish the game….he’s a stud.
82 minute: I predict that Pulisic will score or create the winning goal.
83rd minute: I regret that prediction….grrrrr. Jozy does well to earn a corner. Let’s do this! Bradley’s corner is met by a wide open Gonzalez, but he heads it straight at the keeper.
84th minute: WTF! No harm done, but that was the weakest foul ever. We had 3 dudes standing near the goalie, none of them move, goalie flops, foul called. Have some pride, buttheads.
86th minute: I think I saw Damarcus Beasley in the stands.
88th minute: Nobody covers Marquez, nobody is on the back post, 2-1 Mexico. Womp, womp.
93 minutes… game over. US loses but not before Mexico acts like a bunch of giant douche sandwiches they are. Maybe I’m biased (definitely) but nothing gets under my skin like a Mexican soccer player that’s winning a game. I don’t know how they do it, but hot damn they know how to grind my gears.
Wow, the yappers on the TV sure are making it out like we sucked it up today. It is what it is, but what it was is that we didn’t take our chances and Mexico did. (Did you follow that?) It’s not the end of the world. We created opportunities but didn’t score. We’ll just have to give them hell in the Azteca.
Good night.