Hold on to your butts, it's been a while and Tonyonball has some pent up supply. It may take two trips on the toilet to get all the way through this one. First things first, a few housekeeping items:
-Coming soon to Tonyonball.com, some puck talk. Two of my buddies, Dragon and Mike, will be starting a hockey article, centered around the St. Louis Blues and their rivals. Look for the Puck Buddies in the coming weeks.
-Articles will start coming more regularly now that Tonyonball's special lady is finally moved in completely. The excuse of moving her stuff in is officially no longer valid. Don't worry, Tonyonball is great at coming up with reasons to shirk responsibility...
-Watching these baseball playoffs, Tonyonball is reminded that some commercials are so well done, while others are absolute garbage. Who is approving some of these terrible commercials? And who are the geniuses producing the good ones, because there are writer positions open at Tonyonball. Some of the best and worst, based on minimum of 100 views:
1. Ice T at a Lemonade stand - hilarious, lures you in, pun, attitude. Just great.
2. Two raccoons, eating garbage, one asks the other to taste something that's terrible. We've all ben there, some of us more than others (Tonyonball's special lady kept a can of sparkling water sitting out for 8 hours just so Tonyonball could taste how bad it was...yesterday).
125. All Chevy commercials. Where do they find the people to be part of these focus groups? It's as if they are selecting a jury for a case involving a car. "Have you ever seen a mediocre, moderately priced, mid sized sedan. No? You're in!" These people have near orgasmic reactions to a Chevy Cruise. "Wow, look honey, it's some sort of off white color! A V-6 engine, with a hatch back? That will be great for all of the things we don't have to haul around!" Somehow they have cloned Ned Flanders and he is making a killing with these focus groups.
Whew, that felt good. Thank goodness there is only another week of baseball so Tonyonball can go back to avoiding commercials the way the new Chevy Volt avoids gas stations with it's eco friendly engine...damnit!
HOT TAKE ALERT: These baseball playoffs have been spectacular!
"But Tonyonball, your beloved Cardinals didn't even make the playoffs, aren't you sulking and frustrated and just waiting for next year?" - Smug Cubs Fans
Actually, that's perhaps the reason these playoffs have been so enjoyable around the Tonyonball household. No cursing at the TV and scaring the doggies, no late nights at the bars hugging random strangers when the Cardinals win, no fighting the urge to make over-the-line rude remarks to opposing random strangers when the Cardinals lose; just pure joy at clutch pitching and timely hitting.
The Cubs are a surprise in the World Series based on history only. According to Tonyonball's minor league expert (Shout out to Steve Gerring, also Tonyonball's lawyer...Tonyonball likes to go fast), the Cubs minor league system has had an unprecedented amount of talent over the past 4 years. This talent exceeded even that of the Kansas City Royals circa 2011-2013, which led to back to back World Series appearances and one win. Along with their under 25 all stars (Russell, Solare, Baez, Schwarber, and the dreamy Bryant - because he's so talented, not because he wears eye liner), the Cubs have added seasoned veteran pitchers who have seen the light (Lester and Lackey). Combine that with a litany of other proven veterans and middle aged stars (Ross, Rizzo, Hendricks), and this team has very few weaknesses. The "culture" also seems to be getting the most out of a cast off from Baltimore. It's super common for a struggling baseball player to take up pilates, put on 30 pounds of muscle, and suddenly dominate in their late 20's...right Brady Anderson, I mean Arietta?
Speaking of accusations, the only person on the Cubs who is actually not likeable is their most recent acquisition, Aroldis Chapman. Granted, Tonyonball wasn't in the garage when, "Chapman fired eight gunshots in the garage of his Davie, Florida, home and was accused of choking his girlfriend during the Oct. 30 incident, according to a police report obtained by Yahoo! Sports." All that said, I bet the Cubs wish they could pin something like that on Heyward to get out of their $185 million dollar contract with a 5th outfielder. "Thank you Cubs, for offering $20 million more and 2 more years, otherwise we would be paying the equivalent of Tommy Pham, with less power, $18 million per year." - St. Louis Cardinals
"Tonyonball, enough with the Cubs, ESPN and Fox have already told us everything there is to know about them, what about the Indians?!" - Both readers
Unfortunately, being an American League Central Division team, Tonyonball has seen very little of the Indians. They seem to resemble the Royals: quality starting pitching, strong bullpen, speed on the bases, great defense. Just the type of team that can make a good run through the playoffs. Lindor is dynamic, it's good to see Napoli with his gross nasty beer and looooong swing, and how tall is Andrew Miller? Who knew?! Watching Corey Kluber pound the two seam fastball on the inside corner to left handed hitters was a thing of beauty in game 1 (seriously Anthony Rizzo, step 3 inches back from the plate, maybe you'll stop popping up to the infield).
As a lifelong Cardinals fan, Tonyonball is obligated to root for the Tribe. They make it easy by being so likeable, but it will take some tight cheeks by the Cubs and a few lucky breaks for that to happen. Andrew Miller may have shown some chinks in the armor in game one where it took 46 pitches to get through two innings. The hitting (outside of a hit batsmen, swinging bunt, and two unlikely homeruns) has been very spotty. The Indians will have a disadvantage on the mound for the remainder of the series, so it will take some patience at the plate to exploit the only real weakness of the Cubs (middle relief).
Tonyonball is pulling for you Cleveland. "These guys ain't too fucking bad." - Construction workers in Cleveland
-Tony
